Didn't know where else to put this, so why not here
I want to elaborate on the argument Mads and I just had because I'm still pretty destroyed by it.
The last time we were at a family party was Mads' birthday which went on for so long that by the end of the night I retreated to my old sanctuary--the ladies room--and cried my eyes out. I remember listening to Nicolai in particular going on and on for what felt like an eternity in a never-ending string of fast-paced you're-not-invited-to-the-conversation-Rheannon Danish that I just ended up spacing out and staring into the oblivion that I'd gotten myself into.
(On a side note, I think it's real funny that the people who believe I should learn Danish the strongest--Nicolai and Mads' dad--are also the ones that speak the fastest and when they do slow down, they do it in the most patronizing way possible.)
After that, I said I'm not staying at another party past 9. That should be reasonable. It's a normal time for people with normal sleep schedules.
Well, now it's Nicolai's birthday party and yesterday I saw the invitations say 6PM to 10:15 PM. That's 2 hours at the restaurant (?!) and 2 hours of bowling. I told Mads I wanted to stay til 9 at the latest. "Well, we're not going to be the first to leave. That would be rude." Oh, silly me. Wouldn't want to appear rude. I dropped everything I was doing and went to take a shower. As soon as I got upstairs I broke down. Mads came up to talk to me. I told him it's like sitting at a table with a bunch of people speaking a language they expect you to know and by all accounts you should know, but either you don't know or you don't care to know, so you're just sitting there like some entity that everyone barely acknowledges. Mads told me he thinks that people misunderstand me the most when I'm trying to impress them and that I should just try to be myself. Sorry sweetheart, but whenever I'm staring off into space, that's me being myself, and apparently that's the rudest thing in the world to these people. He asked if I thought we couldn't work this out, as if I was breaking up with him. I told him it's not like that.
I got out of the shower and Mads got in. I told him how bullshit it is that, as his "accessory" I'm expected to show up to every family event on time looking prim, proper, and a smile constantly pasted on my face and then leave on time with everyone else. I don't have the stamina for it. Mads said "You're not my accessory and you can't expect everyone to change their schedules to suit your needs." Seeing that he hadn't gotten my point at all, I told him I'd be downstairs. I talked to Eme about it for a bit. I always say that Mads grounds me to Earth, but sometimes it's Eme who makes me feel like I'm not the selfish cunt this family makes me out to be. Seeing her shocked expressions and "yikes" when I tell her about the length of these parties and what's expected of me makes me feel a lot better about the way I feel and that's immensely comforting.
Mads came downstairs and immediately said "are you saying this can't work between us?" This man is genuinely afraid I'll leave him before telling his family I don't want to stay late at their parties. I told him again that's not at all what this is about and offered him a hypothetical:
"Say we're in America and for whatever dumbass reason, my family likes to have these monthly get-togethers on the weekend at 6 in the morning. Seeing as how you're not a morning person and I understand that, I'd tell them 'we can't make it that early' and they'd understand that not everyone has the same schedule."
"I couldn't ask everyone to change their schedule just because of me."
He still didn't get it. "We're not asking people to change their schedules, all we're saying is we'll show up a little later than everyone else." Then, noticing I've been saying 'we' for this scenario, I added "I'm saying 'we' by the way. I'm a morning person and could easily make it, but in solidarity with you, I would say 'we'."
"Yeah."
Sometimes I think he'd rather avoid upsetting his family than stand up for me every once in a while.
I said "I don't understand how a family could be so offended when I want to leave early, especially when they know I'm not a night owl like them."
Then came the bombshell. "Well, they told me they feel like you don't care about them. Mom, Dad and Nicolai."
(Another side note: It's true, I don't care about Nicolai. I hate to use the phrase, but he is the very definition of privileged white boy™ who likes to make jokes about "sand n*ggers" and how women belong in the kitchen. The boy is just turning 20 today by the way.)
But in that moment, there it was. All the proof I needed that I was officially alone in this universe, wrapped up neat with a bow on top. Talking about me behind my back. Not standing up for me. Rheannon, the selfish, ungrateful bitch. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out. "I want to go home. I want to go home but I don't have a home to go back to anymore." I'm lost.
Mads tried to comfort me, much to my anger. "I want to be alone." He tried to tell me that they didn't really say that, he swore, he was just paraphrasing. I knew what they meant though, but it wasn't just about that. That the man I'm going to marry can't even stand up for me against his own family. I cried a long while. Mads started crying too, saying he'd messed everything up between us and how much of a dumbass he is. He still didn't get it. He was still afraid I had one foot out the door.
After a while, I told Mads we had to call his parents and tell them it's my dad's birthday that day, so I'd have to leave at 9 anyway to video call him. Mads called his dad and his mom picked up. He told her we'd have to leave at 9. She said that's okay. I should've mentioned dad's birthday sooner.
---
For the rest of the night, we made mac 'n cheese with Halloween shapes and watched funny internet videos, but I still felt the sting of our argument and how clear it was to me then that the only person I can always rely on is myself. It's the morning after right now and I still feel so alone.
The last time we were at a family party was Mads' birthday which went on for so long that by the end of the night I retreated to my old sanctuary--the ladies room--and cried my eyes out. I remember listening to Nicolai in particular going on and on for what felt like an eternity in a never-ending string of fast-paced you're-not-invited-to-the-conversation-Rheannon Danish that I just ended up spacing out and staring into the oblivion that I'd gotten myself into.
(On a side note, I think it's real funny that the people who believe I should learn Danish the strongest--Nicolai and Mads' dad--are also the ones that speak the fastest and when they do slow down, they do it in the most patronizing way possible.)
After that, I said I'm not staying at another party past 9. That should be reasonable. It's a normal time for people with normal sleep schedules.
Well, now it's Nicolai's birthday party and yesterday I saw the invitations say 6PM to 10:15 PM. That's 2 hours at the restaurant (?!) and 2 hours of bowling. I told Mads I wanted to stay til 9 at the latest. "Well, we're not going to be the first to leave. That would be rude." Oh, silly me. Wouldn't want to appear rude. I dropped everything I was doing and went to take a shower. As soon as I got upstairs I broke down. Mads came up to talk to me. I told him it's like sitting at a table with a bunch of people speaking a language they expect you to know and by all accounts you should know, but either you don't know or you don't care to know, so you're just sitting there like some entity that everyone barely acknowledges. Mads told me he thinks that people misunderstand me the most when I'm trying to impress them and that I should just try to be myself. Sorry sweetheart, but whenever I'm staring off into space, that's me being myself, and apparently that's the rudest thing in the world to these people. He asked if I thought we couldn't work this out, as if I was breaking up with him. I told him it's not like that.
I got out of the shower and Mads got in. I told him how bullshit it is that, as his "accessory" I'm expected to show up to every family event on time looking prim, proper, and a smile constantly pasted on my face and then leave on time with everyone else. I don't have the stamina for it. Mads said "You're not my accessory and you can't expect everyone to change their schedules to suit your needs." Seeing that he hadn't gotten my point at all, I told him I'd be downstairs. I talked to Eme about it for a bit. I always say that Mads grounds me to Earth, but sometimes it's Eme who makes me feel like I'm not the selfish cunt this family makes me out to be. Seeing her shocked expressions and "yikes" when I tell her about the length of these parties and what's expected of me makes me feel a lot better about the way I feel and that's immensely comforting.
Mads came downstairs and immediately said "are you saying this can't work between us?" This man is genuinely afraid I'll leave him before telling his family I don't want to stay late at their parties. I told him again that's not at all what this is about and offered him a hypothetical:
"Say we're in America and for whatever dumbass reason, my family likes to have these monthly get-togethers on the weekend at 6 in the morning. Seeing as how you're not a morning person and I understand that, I'd tell them 'we can't make it that early' and they'd understand that not everyone has the same schedule."
"I couldn't ask everyone to change their schedule just because of me."
He still didn't get it. "We're not asking people to change their schedules, all we're saying is we'll show up a little later than everyone else." Then, noticing I've been saying 'we' for this scenario, I added "I'm saying 'we' by the way. I'm a morning person and could easily make it, but in solidarity with you, I would say 'we'."
"Yeah."
Sometimes I think he'd rather avoid upsetting his family than stand up for me every once in a while.
I said "I don't understand how a family could be so offended when I want to leave early, especially when they know I'm not a night owl like them."
Then came the bombshell. "Well, they told me they feel like you don't care about them. Mom, Dad and Nicolai."
(Another side note: It's true, I don't care about Nicolai. I hate to use the phrase, but he is the very definition of privileged white boy™ who likes to make jokes about "sand n*ggers" and how women belong in the kitchen. The boy is just turning 20 today by the way.)
But in that moment, there it was. All the proof I needed that I was officially alone in this universe, wrapped up neat with a bow on top. Talking about me behind my back. Not standing up for me. Rheannon, the selfish, ungrateful bitch. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out. "I want to go home. I want to go home but I don't have a home to go back to anymore." I'm lost.
Mads tried to comfort me, much to my anger. "I want to be alone." He tried to tell me that they didn't really say that, he swore, he was just paraphrasing. I knew what they meant though, but it wasn't just about that. That the man I'm going to marry can't even stand up for me against his own family. I cried a long while. Mads started crying too, saying he'd messed everything up between us and how much of a dumbass he is. He still didn't get it. He was still afraid I had one foot out the door.
After a while, I told Mads we had to call his parents and tell them it's my dad's birthday that day, so I'd have to leave at 9 anyway to video call him. Mads called his dad and his mom picked up. He told her we'd have to leave at 9. She said that's okay. I should've mentioned dad's birthday sooner.
---
For the rest of the night, we made mac 'n cheese with Halloween shapes and watched funny internet videos, but I still felt the sting of our argument and how clear it was to me then that the only person I can always rely on is myself. It's the morning after right now and I still feel so alone.